Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I was going through my photo albums on iPhoto today (yeah, total Mac user here) to try to find a profile pic to post on my blog. As I was scrolling through the pictures to find one where I didn't look ridiculous, I couldn't help but look at all the vacation pictures I took with the ex. Four years is a long time to be with anyone and we went on a lot of vacations: St. Martin, Beijing, Cape Cod, Vermont, Chicago, Miami, Key West, etc. What do I do with all those pictures? Delete them all? Save some (especially the ones I look skinny in) and ditch the others?

My conundrum reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a couple (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) who break up and decide to get their minds erased so that they don't have to remember that they were ever in a relationship together.  Partway through the mind erasing process, Jim Carrey's character, decides that there are some memories worth saving and tries to hold on to the good ones. Full synopsis here.

So, what do I do? I guess the first step is to decide the purpose of holding onto the photos. I will definitely want to remember the vacations themselves, I mean we were in Beijing for the Olympics and that was amazing. A once in a lifetime opportunity, really. I could delete all the pictures he was in and keep the ones I was in, but it's like denying he ever existed. Or I could just photoshop him out, but I don't want to see bits and pieces of him in my photos (you know, an arm here, an ear there). I always thought it'd be cool to show my kids (none yet) what their mother was like, what kind of people I dated pre-dad. Although on second thought, that might freak them out and I'll have to shell out a lot of money on therapy. I'll rethink that one.

I don't want to pretend like we were never in a relationship because what we went through made me the person I am today. That person happens to be confident, assertive and generous, among other things. And to be honest, we both grew in the relationship, albeit apart. I'm less crazy than I used to be (we all have a little crazy inside us) and he...well...I don't know what he is now. 

Verdict: Not quite ready to ditch all the photos just yet, but will probably upload the ones of him and us to a thumb drive. I can always revisit this down the road

Lesson Learned: Out of sight doesn't always mean out of mind.

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Open Letter to the Ex

Dear Ex,


Your new profile picture on facebook is ridiculous.  As in, ridiculously stupid. Where the hell did you buy that hat? And who are these new friends who are supportive of said hat? Because they are not your friends.  Seriously, where did you happen to find this Eurotrash trend that you're now sporting?  It does NOT suit you and you actually look like a douche now (rather than just acting like one in the past).


Get your J. Crew/Abercrombie clothing out of the donation pile and back into your closet.  As much as I despise you, I'm doing you a favor. Good god man, what have you done to yourself?


I would rag on the PBR that you're holding, but I can't blame you.  That shit is good for hydrating because it tastes like water.  By the way, thanks for being a dick.  The breakup was probably the best thing that's happened to me since online shopping.  I'm back to being a size 2 and I'm dating men who are much more attractive and interesting than you can ever hope to be.


Call me never,
Me


P.S. I blocked your ass on facebook so I won't ever be tempted to see what a trainwreck you turned into.

Exhibit A

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Do Not Date This Man. Like, Ever

Here he is, the dreaded Ex.  I was out the other night at Stanton Social with the last date off of Match that I arranged prior to deactivating (more on that later and they have great lemon mojitos btw).  My date was a 6'3" brunette lawyer, quite the gentleman. I'm a sucker for a tall man in a nice suit and yes, I know I had sworn off lawyers. But it's like I have a lawyer magnet sewn into my underwear or something, they love me! I could say something about legal briefs, but that's just ridiculous ;)


Anyway, my date and I were talking about recent break ups, etc and it turns out that he just came off of something in the past few months as well.  He recommended that I create a list of stupid things my ex used to say.  I'm supposed to keep this list and reference it when he calls to get back together with me in 6 months (which everyone says will happen, I'm rather skeptical).  So ladies and gents, here it is:


Stupid Shit My Ex Used to Say:

• "On your way back from your run, can you pick up a 6-pack from the corner store?" (he said that from the couch and was in the same position when I got back 2 hours later sans beer)
• "I don't like it when you're too in shape"
• "I wish you were more spiritual"
• "You can sleep with other guys if you want. You just have to tell me about it"
• "Let's go look at rings" (this was followed by a trip to Tiffany or DeBeers to look at and TRY ON engagement rings, he's such a mind fucker)
• "I hooked up with that Brazilian girl" (after I found an email on his blackberry, yeah I know, no snooping whatever. He claimed for a year and a half that he never did anything with her. This still pisses me off)
• "I know people you don't even know that I know"
• "I know fashion" (no, you don't)
• "I'm the best boyfriend" (no, you're not/weren't)
• "I'm a renaissance man" (nope, wrong again)
• "How come you never ask me to go for a run together?" (I used to, the man hates running hence why this is considered stupid shit he said)
• "Are you calling me fat?" (I did not call him fat, I merely insinuated...)
• "I think it should be weeks not months, that you take Wrigley (our/my dog) up to New York with you" (this was said just to hurt me and was not part of the agreement.  He later pretended like he didn't say that and decided to keep her as a favor to me for a few months...dick.)
• "I'm so good with gay men" (no comment)

I'll add more to the list as I think of things.  The problem with writing this months after the breakup is that you tend to forget the stupid shit that he said/did.  However, this is the first time I've actually sat down and thought about the relationship and the ex.  It forces you to think about the things in an organized way.  Now I can lock it away until he tries to get back together.

Lesson Learned: Guys who say dick things are usually dicks.

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