Typecasting

I used to be adamant about having a "type". More specifically over 6'2", dark hair, blue eyes, 32-37. Essentially, a taller, manlier version of Jake Gyllenhaal.  Deep down, I knew that it was silly, that I was limiting myself to the men out there. Plenty of amazing, smart, funny, handsome guys exist outside of the boundaries I had set myself. The bottom line was, I really wasn't looking very hard for someone to connect with. I would discount guys immediately if they didn't fit my "type". Looking back, it was all pretty ridiculous.

Now I'm not saying that there aren't specific traits that I find more attractive than others. Brunettes are generally more appealing to me than blonds. Hard to say where that proclivity came from, but it's there. However, I shouldn't write off someone who's blond just because of hair color, it's shallow and nonsensical and I'm probably missing out on someone who I'd otherwise really enjoy.

So why do we set these boundaries for ourselves? Probably to serve as a defense mechanism. This way, after you've whittled down potential suitors to those fitting your "type", if it doesn't work out or if you can't find someone, it's not as if you haven't tried, right? Wrong. It's often easier to play the victim and bemoan the fact that there are "no good men out there" than it is to look into yourself and search for why something isn't working. We love to be victims of circumstance and wipe our hands clean of all responsibility.

Even Sex and the City (a show that's happened to ruin an entire generation of women, more on a later post) acknowledged that Charlotte when was married to a perfect-on-paper Dr, she was miserable. Only when she got a divorce and started seeing Harry (a sweaty, short, bald divorce attorney) did she find true happiness. I'm not telling you to settle, at all. I'm just saying that if we find someone attractive, but he/she doesn't quite fit our "type", we should still try it out. What's the worst that can happen? So you have a bad date, dating experience, then you at least gave it a shot and looked outside the box.

I entirely practice what I preach. After dating several guys who fit my type to a "t" and having no luck (looked great on the outside, absolutely nothing inside), I recently started dating someone who dips a toe outside of aforementioned type. So he isn't 6'2", is under my age range, so what? He's still incredibly handsome with blue-gray eyes that I want to stupidly drown in, great style, insanely smart, etc. At the end of the day, he's someone who makes me extremely happy. He's the most selfless person that I've ever met and he's helping me trust men again.

Lesson Learned: Looks fade, dumb is forever.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events

A couple of things have happened in the past week or so that makes me think I need to go on a dating hiatus.


Exhibit 1: The lawyer (see here and here) and I went out on Tuesday and had beer and wings. I happened to be wearing an Herve Ledger dress because I'm low-maintenance like that (and because I was coming from somewhere else...more on that later, maybe). While we were gnawing on chicken bones like well-coiffed Neanderthals, he drops a bomb on me. Remember when I saw him with his on-again, off-again, it's complicated girlfriend? Well, it turns out she recognized me that night. How? Because she facebook stalked me.


The bitch in me had texted him "I'm cuter", just out of spite and because it was true ;) Apparently he decided to show her the text to "bring her down a notch". Seriously? I try to stay away from drama and that was just a little too much drama for me...from all sides. The final straw was when I checked my LinkedIn profile and she had checked me out there too! Who knows what that crazy bitch will do. It's likely that she checks out my blog too. In that case, she's a total crazy bitch (yes, I'm asking for it).


Exhibit 2: I had been seeing someone more on a regular basis than the others. What can I say about him? He's insanely attractive, cheekbones that could cut glass. His body is smokin' and our first date was amazing. We sat and talked for 4 and a half hours over coffee. Best part? We're ridiculous in bed together. I didn't necessarily blog about it because I had hoped it would turn into something...eventually.


So imagine my surprise when I receive an email saying how he feel like he's an asshole around me, that he's usually not that closed off. So his logic dictated that we should stop sleeping together and just "hang out and know each other". What the hell does that mean? Is it the brush off? Does he want to be, gasp, friends? I'll post something about the "f" word later, but basically, no one actually wants to be friends. After spiraling into the whole "what does he mean by this" phase where you talk to all your friends and get their different takes (which I HATE), I've just decided to check out. I don't want to be friends, we're not friends, we were NEVER friends and I told him as much. Needless to say, I'm still mad...and hurt.


My dad is a total asshole and we don't talk, but he did say one thing that always stuck with me: if you put your arm out in front of you and spin in a 360 degree circle, everything inside that circle you can control. Everything outside remains outside of your control. So, taking his advice, I'm just going to say I can't control how Hotness feels or acts. I'm just going to be and move on.


Exhibit 3: Had a couple of dates that went well by dating standards, good conversation, good food, interesting guy. But the bottom line was not there was no tingly feeling. You know, where you grin like an idiot and your breath gets slightly taken away when you kiss. Came away from them feeling "meh" and felt like it was at least something to do because I don't have a tv (sidebar: not having a tv is totally awesome. You should try it.)


I'm still open to going on dates and meeting up with men I'm interested in. I just think that I'm not going to be so proactive and aggressive for a while, like, a week...maybe. What do you guys think? Keep actively dating until I get a good one or just kind of chill out for a bit?

Lesson Learned: Some bitches be triflin'

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Sweet and Vicious

There was a weekend earlier this month that turned out to be more of a shit show than weekends usually are for me.  I started Friday night with a movie at the Tribeca Film Fest, William Vincent. As I step outside to make a phone call, a cab pulls up and out hops lawyer and his "on again, off again, it's complicated" girlfriend (I didn't know about her until after the encounter and his subsequent explanation).

Seriously?  I had texted him a couple minutes earlier to see if he was there, I had noticed that he said he was going to be there that night on facebook.  He breezes past me with nothing more than a glance and a pat on the shoulder and I'm just standing there dumbfounded.  I receive a text from him a couple seconds later that read "haha, I'm sorry" and "I'll explain later".  On the one hand, I'm not sure he owed me an explanation.  I mean, at the time, I just thought he was on another date.  That's the thing about NYC and casual dating, you can see multiple people at a time.  Hell, I was doing it and it's not like we had more than one date.  I was absolutely not beholden to him nor him to me.

He emailed me the following Monday and it turns out that it is truly complicated.  I appreciated the explanation but as I told him, the relationship drama was entirely his, I just didn't want to be dragged into it.  And the bottom line was that I don't want to be lied to.  A lie of omission is still a lie (take note, people).  That and I didn't want to be fed lines. He completely understood after we hashed everything out.  Hard to say what's going to happen next.

On with the night.  My co-worker was celebrating his 23rd birthday at Sweet and Vicious down in Soho.  Yeah, I felt old.  Like, really old.  I hoofed it down to the bar and got settled in among the 23-year-olds.  I know it wasn't that long ago that I was that age, but since I shifted my dating age range to 32-37, they felt and looked like babies.  There is, however, nothing cuter than a 23-year-old trying to throw some game down on you.

Sweet and Vicious, 5 Spring St, NYC, NY (212) 334-7915

The bar was incredibly packed and I spent a good 5 minutes trying to flag a bartender down.  This slightly chubby Asian guy next to me noticed and helped me get my drink ordered.  I told him I was opening a tab and was about to give the bar my credit card when he said "don't worry about it, just remember to come back and say hi".  It was really sweet of him and I don't usually accept drinks from guys (I feel like I owe him something or he might roofie me).  Either way, it was a gentlemanly way of offering a girl a drink.  Aside from that exchange, the night was rather uneventful. Next time I expect to be paid if I'm going to be baby sitting.

Lesson Learned: Leave the drama for your mama.

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Facebook as a Wingman

I was talking to my friend the other night about the different uses of facebook.  I use it to catch up with friends and to reconnect with people I've lost touch with. Apparently he'll use it to scope out girls who are friends of friends. By "scope out" I mean he goes through their profile to see what their interests are and who the mutual friends are.  That way, if there's a party coming up, he can approach them and casually drop things into the conversation that he learned about them through facebook.


I can't decide if that's brilliant or a little creepy.  I'm all for things happening organically, but maybe this is better and easier to make a connection if you already know what they like.  However, it's one thing to choose things to discuss that you have in common.  It's another if you're pretending you like Justin Bieber because she started his facebook fan page.


You figure the idea is really the same as Match.com or JDate.  You sift out the things you find interesting about that person and decide whether or not you're going to talk to them.  Do you think that kills the romance?  Isn't the fun of starting something new and getting to know someone the fact that you're always in the discovery process?  I'm kind of undecided at this point because I do think we live in the age of efficiency.


Then again, I think maybe people tend to be more honest on their facebook page because most of their "friends" are actually people who know them in real life.  On Match and other dating websites, you're looking to put your best foot forward and sometimes people write profiles for the person he wants to be rather than the person he actually is.


Lesson Learned: If you're at a loss as to what to talk about with a girl, just reference Twilight, Glee, or Sex and the City and you're in.  Bieber forever.

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Anatomy of a Social Media Relationship

They don't call it "social" media for nothing. So you see a guy you think is worth following. Sure, he's kind of sexy in his avatar picture but you're not actually trying to pick him up.   So what's the natural progression of social media mediums for you to take it to the next step? Check out my nifty flow chart, may or may not be based on actual experiences ;)

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Guest Blogger: I don't like you, lox and lox

Note: This is a guest blog entry from my friend who I had dinner with last week (see To JDate or Not to JDate) She may be making a regular appearance...

I just moved to New York a couple of months ago and recently broke up with a boyfriend, so newly single me decided to try JDate. My first week, by the numbers... upwards of 800 guys have checked out my profile, 15 have sent me cheesy pick-up lines (I like you lox and lox... if a hebrew and a shebrew got together...) and anywhere from one to four will instant message me as soon as I sign on. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty successful start. 

After getting input from about a dozen friends, I posted my profile last Thursday. Before I finished putting it up, a guy sent me a message... he was pretty cute, we had a nice, funny conversation, I gave him my cell number and agreed to meet him out on Sunday night. 

We met at a tapas bar in the East Village (points for good choice), but he looked nothing like his profile picture and I walked right past him (negative points for that). We sat on a bench and ordered pitcher #1 of sangria and looked at the food menu. I suggested something with ham, then realized he might be kosher - he was (minus point for me). We drank, talked - well he talked, I listened - and finished pitcher #1. I was pretty tipsy and said didn't want anymore sangria, but was easily persuaded to drink one more glass... but, my accountant date said, it's not fiscally responsible to order just one glass, a pitcher saves money, so let's just get another pitcher. My one more glass turned into three and with every sip, he inched closer to me. He was lying on my shoulder, hand rubbing my lower back, my hands crossed firmly in front of my chest as I leaned in the opposite direction. I'm not sure where he read in my body language that I wanted to be caressed at the dinner table. I should work on my signals. We finished, he paid, we walked out. 

I started to say thanks, I had a great time, goodbye, but he insisted on walking me home. Well, points for being a gentleman I guess, so I obliged. When we got to my front door, I said goodnight again, but he said he needed to use my bathroom. Smooth move, dude. I wasn't going to make him pee in an alley, so I begrudgingly let him upstairs. He came out of the bathroom, flung himself onto my face and kissed me. It was more of a full face slobber than anything and after I pushed him towards the door, he said, I am definitely going to see you again. I am not going to see him again. 

Lesson(s) Learned: So many... In online dating, don't go out with the first person who messages you... Photos can be deceiving... Don't let a guy walk you home if you're not interested in him. 

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To JDate or Not to JDate...

I was at dinner at Frank with a girlfriend of mine about a week ago.  She's kind of in the same place I am, just moved to NYC for a better job and she just broke up with her boyfriend of a couple of years.  She's fantastic, smart, funny, down to earth, just a really great person to hang out with.  Her situation is different from mine in that her relationship ended because she was just not that enthused by the person she was with.

After hearing about my mostly (mis)adventures with a dating website, she decided that she would do the same thing, just on JDate rather than Match.com.  I think most people are pretty familiar with JDate but to those who aren't, JDate is a dating site that mostly attracts people of the Jewish faith...or people who would like to date a Jew.  My friend is Jewish and she's always said that finding someone from the same faith is extremely important to her.

After helping her with her profile (for most people it's hard to self-pimp, not so much for me because of my healthy dose of narcissism ;)), she posted it and has been on the site for about a week.  I think that the dating websites are extremely helpful in meeting new people, especially for those of us coming out of a relationship.  After all, when was the last time you met someone you actually liked (or could hear) at a bar? Also, it's much easier to deal with rejection when it's not done face-to-face but rather in the form of an ignored email or "wink".

For me, I think it's interesting to see what these people write, what they deem important enough to share and whether or not they are able to put a coherent sentence together.  That combined with pictures (some with obvious boobalicious women photoshopped out) make for a pretty complete profile of someone.

Now don't get me wrong, there's a lot of false advertisement on these dating sites.  You can remember the time I wanted to chew my arm off at a hockey game (see here).  But hey, at least you're checking these people out sober, rather than with half a dozen drinks under your belt in dim lighting.

I'm excited to see how things go for her.  I think her experience will be different from mine.  She's much sweeter than I am and is going into this with a much more trusting and open mindset than I did. 

As for Frank Restaurant (88 2nd Ave, NYC (212) 420-0202), the food was amazing.  It's a small Italian restaurant that features homemade pastas (new specials everyday) and a mouth-watering wine list.  I had the butternut squash ravioli and my friend had the Rigatoni al Ragu.  Mine was delicious but I'm pretty sure I ate all the meatballs out of hers, lol.  Anyway, if you find yourself in the East Village, check it out.  Just remember to bring cash.  Check the menu here.

Lesson Learned: Men may come and go, but your friends will always be there to help pimp you out.

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End of the Match Experiment

I decided not to renew my Match.com membership this month.  The whole experience was a little overwhelming in truth and it was often times just a cluster fuck.  Over the period of 30 days, I received about 10 emails a day on average.  Some were clearly cut and paste jobs and others were quite thoughtful and charming...until you looked at the picture.  That's the sad part, you think you can be above the whole superficial aspect of attraction.  I'm here to say that you can't.  Even if I don't want to have babies, I'm still going to look for the best looking person so that I can have beautiful half-Asian babies.  You all saw what happened with Rob Schneider.  Lord help me if I'm going to make that same genetic mistake.

I went on my second to last Match date last Sunday night at a bar at the bottom of my apartment building.  He's British, dark hair, brown eyes, probably only about 5'10" (I let him squeak by due to the accent).  We talked for a couple of hours over some beers.  When we drained the rest of the first beer, I offered to buy the next round and to say that he was blown away is certainly an understatement.  Ladies, I know it's nice to have men pay for drinks, buy dinner, win a teddy bear, etc. But if we are making the argument that we're equals, then it's time to chip in for a beer or two.  I'm just putting it out there.

As the night winded down, I became a little intoxicated (mostly by the beer and a little by the accent).  I'm not sure I was entirely attracted to him.  Don't get me wrong, he was very handsome...but a little petite for my tastes (I'm sure any man would love to be described as "petite").  Throwing all caution to the wind, I kissed him good night.  And then...nothing.  I felt absolutely nothing.  I guess that means we're kicking that one to the curb.

I always feel a little badly when I meet someone for drinks (with the romantic subtext) and I feel nothing.  That's in part because I'm still hurting a little from the breakup.  I hate it when I say that I'm not completely over it yet and people assume that I mean I'm not over him.  That's completely inaccurate because I'm over him as in I-would-like-to-run-OVER-him-with-a-environmentally-unfriendly-car.  I guess it takes time when you try to recover from being completely humiliated with sightings of him around town with other women, while you're at home with the laundry and the dog.

Don't get me wrong, I have had genuine feelings for men post-AH (asshole).  Those feelings (and the men's identities) will remain private, however.  I'm sorry to disappoint but there are some things that should be considered sacred and that should be held close to the vest.

Lesson learned: Internet dating is EXACTLY like internet shopping for clothing.  Sometimes it looks better in the picture and if it doesn't fit, you can always return it.

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(Mis)Matched: Part II

I know I alluded to the fact that I had three dates in three days. In truth, it was really 2.5 dates, a booty call and another date in 6 days. Two guys were great and the other was my idea of a living nightmare. I guess I should start chronologically:

Date 1: Monday

Blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2" attorney, age 33. Extremely well-dressed, very handsome. We went to a bar in the East Village. I wore an extremely tight black dress, I think I pulled something while sucking it in the whole night. Wore my peep toe Louboutins (courtesy of my ex-boyfriend, that s.o.b.).

We had a couple of drinks, good conversation, typical nervousness at the beginning. Ended up near the West Village at another bar and ended in a brief make-out session at his place. Will I call him again? Not likely. Mainly because he wants to go to a sex club and partly because I find attorneys a little stiff and not in the good way....next!

Date 2: Tuesday

Brown hair, brown eyes 5'9" (I'll explain), graphic designer, age 37. I wore a black and white work dress, flats (knowing he'd be the size of a Keebler elf). I stupidly invited him to a Rangers game after a great conversation on Sunday night. We were originally supposed to get drinks on Thursday, but in a moment of impulsiveness, I gave him my extra ticket to the Rangers game at Madison Square Garden.

He had advertised himself as being 5'9" but when I met him at Borders, he was really 5'7" and looked MUCH older than his advertised age of 37. Hard living if I ever saw it. His email to me was nice and he had admitted that he was a little shorter and a little older than I was looking for. I thought I was being open-minded...well, never again! I knew the moment I met him that I wasn't going to like this date. After hours of his chewing with his mouth open, nose-blowing and general complaining that hockey's a violent sport (no shit, that's why I like it); I thought about excusing myself to go the bathroom and never come back (a lesson I learned from a special someone ;)).

Even though every cell in my body was screaming at me to leave, I didn't. I'm just not that mean. I admit that it's a little narcissistic to think that he would have been crushed. I guess some men need a sledge hammer to get the message through. The whole night he kept trying to lean towards my side and I kept leaning away from him. It must have looked hilarious to the people sitting behind us.

I soldiered through and dare I say that I'm a stronger person because of it? Maybe. Either way, I promptly lost his number after I sprinted to the cab.

Day 3: Wednesday (St. Patrick's Day)

Brown hair, brown eyes, 5'11", consultant, 29. I wore skinny jeans, python flats and a tight gray shirt. Possibly the sweetest guy you will ever meet. A perfect gentleman, handsome but maybe not enough of an edge for me? I met up with him and his roommates around 11PM. I had just gotten home from my Wednesday night tradition with my gay husband and M mentioned he'd be around my neighborhood.

We had some chicken wings and some beer and it was great. Walked me home and offered me his coat. Made plans for brunch on Sunday.

Part III: booty call and then some...

Lesson Learned: always carry some roofies in case your date sucks. Roofie the shit out of him and then take a cab home. Buy yourself something nice the next day to wash away the painful memories.

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(Mis)Matched-Part I

"You need to screw your way out of this", this is the sound advice I've received from most of my friends regarding dealing with post-breakup. Even though I think I would have heeded this advice years ago, I've just found that I haven't felt like dealing with dating in general and with men specifically. That being said, last Sunday, I woke up a little hungover and decided to sign up on Match.com.

My rationale for signing up for Match was that I enjoy online shopping. So if I do it with clothing, why not with men? The experience with Match for me has been like trying to find a Chanel suit in a T.J. Maxx. I've also equated it with the employees at the Abercrombie Outlets: they're good-looking, but not as good-looking as the regular Abercrombie workers and they're as irregular as the outlet clothing they sell.

Lots of my friends have used the service and I'm not knocking that, but I've just been a little overwhelmed with the whole experience. It's like being hit on by mostly men you would never be interested in dating/grabbing drinks with/making eye contact with. To date, I've received 79 emails, 70 winks (totally non-committal) and 76 "he's interested" (absolutely non-committal).

To get a sense of what I'll be talking about, I'm posting a choice selection of emails I've received:

"What a great profile, very funny. I think we have a lot in common. I hope to hear back from you." (Fine, whatever. Why don't you tell me what we have in common?)

Excerpt: "In general, I'm looking to meet someone who might enjoy exploring NYC, who likes to laugh and likes to think, and who enjoys being challenged and learning new things. I admit straight up that I'm only 5'6'', but that's one of the least important things about me. If you think we might have some things in common, it would be fun to have a chance to talk (maybe over tea/coffee or something). You can tell me all the reasons why Chicago is or is not better than NYC. " (Ok great, but what part of over 6' tall did you not understand?)

"emailed u before. i just realized i only have membserhip until this wknd. i hop e to hear from you because i really want to meet you. my personal email isXXXX@XXX.com whats yours?" (Um, if I didn't email you back, it's because I didn't feel like it. I don't care about your damn membership)

I state pretty clearly in my profile that I'm "not looking for a soulmate here, there or anywhere." And to highlight that fact, here's the one of the 5 emails I've written back on Match.com:

"You're tall, hot and funny. Want to grab a drink sometime"

It turns out that he does want to grab a drink, we'll see.

Part II: Three dates in three days...

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