Do Not Date This Man. Like, Ever

Here he is, the dreaded Ex.  I was out the other night at Stanton Social with the last date off of Match that I arranged prior to deactivating (more on that later and they have great lemon mojitos btw).  My date was a 6'3" brunette lawyer, quite the gentleman. I'm a sucker for a tall man in a nice suit and yes, I know I had sworn off lawyers. But it's like I have a lawyer magnet sewn into my underwear or something, they love me! I could say something about legal briefs, but that's just ridiculous ;)


Anyway, my date and I were talking about recent break ups, etc and it turns out that he just came off of something in the past few months as well.  He recommended that I create a list of stupid things my ex used to say.  I'm supposed to keep this list and reference it when he calls to get back together with me in 6 months (which everyone says will happen, I'm rather skeptical).  So ladies and gents, here it is:


Stupid Shit My Ex Used to Say:

• "On your way back from your run, can you pick up a 6-pack from the corner store?" (he said that from the couch and was in the same position when I got back 2 hours later sans beer)
• "I don't like it when you're too in shape"
• "I wish you were more spiritual"
• "You can sleep with other guys if you want. You just have to tell me about it"
• "Let's go look at rings" (this was followed by a trip to Tiffany or DeBeers to look at and TRY ON engagement rings, he's such a mind fucker)
• "I hooked up with that Brazilian girl" (after I found an email on his blackberry, yeah I know, no snooping whatever. He claimed for a year and a half that he never did anything with her. This still pisses me off)
• "I know people you don't even know that I know"
• "I know fashion" (no, you don't)
• "I'm the best boyfriend" (no, you're not/weren't)
• "I'm a renaissance man" (nope, wrong again)
• "How come you never ask me to go for a run together?" (I used to, the man hates running hence why this is considered stupid shit he said)
• "Are you calling me fat?" (I did not call him fat, I merely insinuated...)
• "I think it should be weeks not months, that you take Wrigley (our/my dog) up to New York with you" (this was said just to hurt me and was not part of the agreement.  He later pretended like he didn't say that and decided to keep her as a favor to me for a few months...dick.)
• "I'm so good with gay men" (no comment)

I'll add more to the list as I think of things.  The problem with writing this months after the breakup is that you tend to forget the stupid shit that he said/did.  However, this is the first time I've actually sat down and thought about the relationship and the ex.  It forces you to think about the things in an organized way.  Now I can lock it away until he tries to get back together.

Lesson Learned: Guys who say dick things are usually dicks.