Guest Blogger: I don't like you, lox and lox

Friday, April 30, 2010

Note: This is a guest blog entry from my friend who I had dinner with last week (see To JDate or Not to JDate) She may be making a regular appearance...

I just moved to New York a couple of months ago and recently broke up with a boyfriend, so newly single me decided to try JDate. My first week, by the numbers... upwards of 800 guys have checked out my profile, 15 have sent me cheesy pick-up lines (I like you lox and lox... if a hebrew and a shebrew got together...) and anywhere from one to four will instant message me as soon as I sign on. So overall, I'd say it was a pretty successful start. 

After getting input from about a dozen friends, I posted my profile last Thursday. Before I finished putting it up, a guy sent me a message... he was pretty cute, we had a nice, funny conversation, I gave him my cell number and agreed to meet him out on Sunday night. 

We met at a tapas bar in the East Village (points for good choice), but he looked nothing like his profile picture and I walked right past him (negative points for that). We sat on a bench and ordered pitcher #1 of sangria and looked at the food menu. I suggested something with ham, then realized he might be kosher - he was (minus point for me). We drank, talked - well he talked, I listened - and finished pitcher #1. I was pretty tipsy and said didn't want anymore sangria, but was easily persuaded to drink one more glass... but, my accountant date said, it's not fiscally responsible to order just one glass, a pitcher saves money, so let's just get another pitcher. My one more glass turned into three and with every sip, he inched closer to me. He was lying on my shoulder, hand rubbing my lower back, my hands crossed firmly in front of my chest as I leaned in the opposite direction. I'm not sure where he read in my body language that I wanted to be caressed at the dinner table. I should work on my signals. We finished, he paid, we walked out. 

I started to say thanks, I had a great time, goodbye, but he insisted on walking me home. Well, points for being a gentleman I guess, so I obliged. When we got to my front door, I said goodnight again, but he said he needed to use my bathroom. Smooth move, dude. I wasn't going to make him pee in an alley, so I begrudgingly let him upstairs. He came out of the bathroom, flung himself onto my face and kissed me. It was more of a full face slobber than anything and after I pushed him towards the door, he said, I am definitely going to see you again. I am not going to see him again. 

Lesson(s) Learned: So many... In online dating, don't go out with the first person who messages you... Photos can be deceiving... Don't let a guy walk you home if you're not interested in him. 


To JDate or Not to JDate...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I was at dinner at Frank with a girlfriend of mine about a week ago.  She's kind of in the same place I am, just moved to NYC for a better job and she just broke up with her boyfriend of a couple of years.  She's fantastic, smart, funny, down to earth, just a really great person to hang out with.  Her situation is different from mine in that her relationship ended because she was just not that enthused by the person she was with.

After hearing about my mostly (mis)adventures with a dating website, she decided that she would do the same thing, just on JDate rather than  I think most people are pretty familiar with JDate but to those who aren't, JDate is a dating site that mostly attracts people of the Jewish faith...or people who would like to date a Jew.  My friend is Jewish and she's always said that finding someone from the same faith is extremely important to her.

After helping her with her profile (for most people it's hard to self-pimp, not so much for me because of my healthy dose of narcissism ;)), she posted it and has been on the site for about a week.  I think that the dating websites are extremely helpful in meeting new people, especially for those of us coming out of a relationship.  After all, when was the last time you met someone you actually liked (or could hear) at a bar? Also, it's much easier to deal with rejection when it's not done face-to-face but rather in the form of an ignored email or "wink".

For me, I think it's interesting to see what these people write, what they deem important enough to share and whether or not they are able to put a coherent sentence together.  That combined with pictures (some with obvious boobalicious women photoshopped out) make for a pretty complete profile of someone.

Now don't get me wrong, there's a lot of false advertisement on these dating sites.  You can remember the time I wanted to chew my arm off at a hockey game (see here).  But hey, at least you're checking these people out sober, rather than with half a dozen drinks under your belt in dim lighting.

I'm excited to see how things go for her.  I think her experience will be different from mine.  She's much sweeter than I am and is going into this with a much more trusting and open mindset than I did. 

As for Frank Restaurant (88 2nd Ave, NYC (212) 420-0202), the food was amazing.  It's a small Italian restaurant that features homemade pastas (new specials everyday) and a mouth-watering wine list.  I had the butternut squash ravioli and my friend had the Rigatoni al Ragu.  Mine was delicious but I'm pretty sure I ate all the meatballs out of hers, lol.  Anyway, if you find yourself in the East Village, check it out.  Just remember to bring cash.  Check the menu here.

Lesson Learned: Men may come and go, but your friends will always be there to help pimp you out.


Don't Talk to Me Until After I Eat..Maybe Not Then Either

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I work in the middle of Times Square, which is pretty ridiculous.  It's basically a shit show every day of the week and let's be frank, tourists are some of the most annoying people in the world.  So because I hate leaving the office, I go to our cafeteria upstairs most mornings for breakfast.

Early mornings are spent with my trainer or at the gym, so I'm usually starving by the time I get to work.  This morning, I get in line to make my own omelet, the usual (spinach, broccoli, turkey and feta with egg whites) and this dude starts talking to me.  Straight off I knew he wasn't my type and I just wasn't in the mood to chat. 

He starts joking with the omelet guy about how he should run for Mayor and I could be his Vice President.  I quickly correct him about the fact that Mayors don't have Vice Presidents and he fucking keeps talking to me! On top of that, he kept touching me on the arm.  Here's one thing to keep in mind, don't touch me.  If you're a stranger and not hot, then don't touch me.  I actually get very irritated by it, it's hard to explain. This is how our conversation goes:

Him: So you're pretty up on your politics (based on the fact that I knew mayors don't have Vice Presidents, asshole)
Me: Yeah, I was in DC for a while
Him: So, you're a lawyer? You look like you have great style (I do, but what does that have anything to do with anything?)
Me: Thanks
Him: You've got that sexy librarian thing going on
Me: I need to get some toast

Anyway, I excuse myself and when I get back, I stand off to the side and do that thing where you pretend to text/email so you don't have to talk to people.  Then, this mfer walks back up to me and here's the conversation that transpired:

Him: How are you supposed to call me if you don't have my number.
Me: I'm not going to call you.
Him: Can't blame a guy for trying. God, I have a lot of meetings today.
Me: Great

I'm definitely not a rude person but sometimes men are just so dumb! Ugh and also, don't talk to me until I've eaten something.  Thanks.

Lesson Learned: Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind


International House of Men

One of my best friends came to town this past weekend.  Her boyfriend is graduating from B-School here in New York and his fellow classmates were having a party on the Upper West Side.  I got off at the wrong subway stop and ended up wandering about a mile in Harlem, wearing a short dress, stilettos and my Gucci purse.  I knew I was going the wrong way when I passed the Apollo...TWICE.

Honestly, if it wasn't for google maps on my blackberry, I'd never get anywhere. Thank you technology gods.  After trekking to her boyfriend's place first and chugging a gin and tonic (any girl would need one after an ordeal like that), we were off. 

First, the apartment is gorgeous.  Two floors with a balcony off each bedroom.  Fantastic views with amazing space and happens to be occupied by three Italian men.  I think that most of the students happened to be international.  Just imagine an apartment full of hot European men.  I've seen places like this in my dreams.  Except that in my dreams, none of the guys would have girlfriends.  I think a lot of the guys there didn't have significant others, but the problem was that out of the three men who approached me and chatted me up, they ALL had girlfriends.

Exhibit 1: Swiss B-School student.  Brown hair, olive skin, brown eyes.  Probably about 6' tall, slight accent.  Definitely my type.  We talked about London (his favorite city and where I'm headed in a month) and New York in general.  I started to ask him how he found dating in NYC when he dropped the G-bomb.  Next!
Exhibit 2: Italian B-School student. Same thing, brown hair, olive skin, brown eyes.  This time he's about 6'4", love it!  Very heavy Italian accent.  I knew fairly early on that he had a girlfriend, but he was a friend of a friend so I was happy chatting with him anyway.  He was super interesting, we joked about him marrying someone just for the visa (which one of my friends did, btw).  However, it was going nowhere, quickly.  Then...
Exhibit 3: American, Harvard Medical resident. Same build and look as the others, probably about 6'2".  Not sure what we talked about at that point because I was getting a little tanked on gin and tonics (drink of choice) and probably some awesome beer like PBR.  Anyway, he offered to introduce me to his brother, meh.

I bring these guys up because I don't get them.  They were clearly flirting with me and one even brought up "would you ever be with someone who had a girlfriend" and "I don't believe in monogamy".  Seriously guys?  After coming off of what I just went through, I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Naturally I discussed this with my co-worker (who happens to look like a young Hugh Grant, swoon), and he said this to say: men with girlfriends are more likely to talk to me because they have nothing to lose.  In the end, they can flirt with me and be confident that if I reject him, it's because he has a girlfriend.  Hugh also said that I'm probably different from the girlfriends and that's intriguing (I guess).  Single guys, on the other hand, are probably a little intimidated by me (I find this to be true).

Lesson Learned: Men are dogs. Wonderful, sexy, intriguing dogs.


Open Letter to the Firefighter

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dear Firefighter who will remain nameless,

You texted me twice on Saturday and left me a voicemail.  The texts read "Hey what's up" and "What now you don't want to hang out?".  The voicemail said, "Hey why don't you want to take my calls?".  The fact of the matter is, everything was sent around 3AM and while I was out with friends at that time and thinking about making a couple of booty calls, you're the last one on that list, if you're even on that list (which you're not).

You never call me when you're sober or even during normal business hours (5PM-9PM is an acceptable time frame to call someone to make plans).  We've never met up beyond that one time I saw your apartment (see Putting out the Fire).  The last time I texted you back was probably 3 weeks ago.  So, my message to you is GIVE IT UP!  

I know you're a NYC firefighter, so that means that girls are probably fawning over you half the time.  You're also only 25 and annoy the hell out of me.  Please do me a favor, lose my number. Stat.



Do Not Date This Man. Like, Ever

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Here he is, the dreaded Ex.  I was out the other night at Stanton Social with the last date off of Match that I arranged prior to deactivating (more on that later and they have great lemon mojitos btw).  My date was a 6'3" brunette lawyer, quite the gentleman. I'm a sucker for a tall man in a nice suit and yes, I know I had sworn off lawyers. But it's like I have a lawyer magnet sewn into my underwear or something, they love me! I could say something about legal briefs, but that's just ridiculous ;)

Anyway, my date and I were talking about recent break ups, etc and it turns out that he just came off of something in the past few months as well.  He recommended that I create a list of stupid things my ex used to say.  I'm supposed to keep this list and reference it when he calls to get back together with me in 6 months (which everyone says will happen, I'm rather skeptical).  So ladies and gents, here it is:

Stupid Shit My Ex Used to Say:
  • "On your way back from your run, can you pick up a 6-pack from the corner store?" (he said that from the couch and was in the same position when I got back 2 hours later sans beer)
  • "I don't like it when you're too in shape"
  • "I wish you were more spiritual"
  • "You can sleep with other guys if you want. You just have to tell me about it"
  • "Let's go look at rings" (this was followed by a trip to Tiffany or DeBeers to look at and TRY ON engagement rings, he's such a mind fucker)
  • "I hooked up with that Brazilian girl" (after I found an email on his blackberry, yeah I know, no snooping whatever. He claimed for a year and a half that he never did anything with her. This still pisses me off)
  • "I know people you don't even know that I know"
  • "I know fashion" (no, you don't)
  • "I'm the best boyfriend" (no, you're not/weren't)
  • "I'm a renaissance man" (nope, wrong again)
  • "How come you never ask me to go for a run together?" (I used to, the man hates running hence why this is considered stupid shit he said)
  • "Are you calling me fat?" (I did not call him fat, I merely insinuated...)
  • "I think it should be weeks not months, that you take Wrigley (our/my dog) up to New York with you" (this was said just to hurt me and was not part of the agreement.  He later pretended like he didn't say that and decided to keep her as a favor to me for a few months...dick.)
  • "I'm so good with gay men" (no comment)
I'll add more to the list as I think of things.  The problem with writing this months after the breakup is that you tend to forget the stupid shit that he said/did.  However, this is the first time I've actually sat down and thought about the relationship and the ex.  It forces you to think about the things in an organized way.  Now I can lock it away until he tries to get back together.

Lesson Learned: Guys who say dick things are usually dicks.


I Like to Wear My Ovaries on the Outside

Sundays = brunch days.  Last Sunday, I met up with my married friends (I only have one set, so it's easy to identify them as such) at Craftbar for brunch.  I'm a total Tom Colicchio fan so it was definitely a treat.  We decided to meet at the restaurant at 10:30AM (they have a kid so apparently you eat earlier).  I was the first to arrive and the restaurant was fairly empty.  In fact, we were one of three occupied tables there.

I arrived before my friends did and decided to do a visual sweep of the place.  Saw a very good-looking guy about 3 tables away who was with two male friends.  A couple of back and forth glances between us and I had made up my mind.  Forgetting my business cards at home, I asked our waitress for one of theirs.  I scribbled my name, cell number and "Let's grab a drink sometime" on the back of the card and asked their waiter to take it to the man I had my eye on.  Now I typically do not make a habit out of this and it was actually the first time I've ever done something like that. But seriously, what do I have to lose?

Apparently the timing was good because shortly after the waiter gave attractive man my card (side note, loved that he was in such good shape that you could see the muscles shift under his knit shirt), he was paying the check and headed out the door.  We exchanged smiles as he approached my table and introduced himself.  He thanked me for the card and said he'd "definitely be in touch".  I have to say, I liked the way his hand felt when he shook mine.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't called.  He might have lost the card or he might have been kind in front of my friends, hard to say.  Either way, this was more of proving something to myself rather than feeling up on his abs (which wouldn't have been so bad either...)

Lesson Learned: If you're going to give out your number, write it on something he's not likely to lose, like the Yankees schedule or a $20 bill.


End of the Match Experiment

Friday, April 23, 2010

I decided not to renew my membership this month.  The whole experience was a little overwhelming in truth and it was often times just a cluster fuck.  Over the period of 30 days, I received about 10 emails a day on average.  Some were clearly cut and paste jobs and others were quite thoughtful and charming...until you looked at the picture.  That's the sad part, you think you can be above the whole superficial aspect of attraction.  I'm here to say that you can't.  Even if I don't want to have babies, I'm still going to look for the best looking person so that I can have beautiful half-Asian babies.  You all saw what happened with Rob Schneider.  Lord help me if I'm going to make that same genetic mistake.

I went on my second to last Match date last Sunday night at a bar at the bottom of my apartment building.  He's British, dark hair, brown eyes, probably only about 5'10" (I let him squeak by due to the accent).  We talked for a couple of hours over some beers.  When we drained the rest of the first beer, I offered to buy the next round and to say that he was blown away is certainly an understatement.  Ladies, I know it's nice to have men pay for drinks, buy dinner, win a teddy bear, etc. But if we are making the argument that we're equals, then it's time to chip in for a beer or two.  I'm just putting it out there.

As the night winded down, I became a little intoxicated (mostly by the beer and a little by the accent).  I'm not sure I was entirely attracted to him.  Don't get me wrong, he was very handsome...but a little petite for my tastes (I'm sure any man would love to be described as "petite").  Throwing all caution to the wind, I kissed him good night.  And then...nothing.  I felt absolutely nothing.  I guess that means we're kicking that one to the curb.

I always feel a little badly when I meet someone for drinks (with the romantic subtext) and I feel nothing.  That's in part because I'm still hurting a little from the breakup.  I hate it when I say that I'm not completely over it yet and people assume that I mean I'm not over him.  That's completely inaccurate because I'm over him as in I-would-like-to-run-OVER-him-with-a-environmentally-unfriendly-car.  I guess it takes time when you try to recover from being completely humiliated with sightings of him around town with other women, while you're at home with the laundry and the dog.

Don't get me wrong, I have had genuine feelings for men post-AH (asshole).  Those feelings (and the men's identities) will remain private, however.  I'm sorry to disappoint but there are some things that should be considered sacred and that should be held close to the vest.

Lesson learned: Internet dating is EXACTLY like internet shopping for clothing.  Sometimes it looks better in the picture and if it doesn't fit, you can always return it.


For Your Enjoyment

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Dating Up/Dating Down

Recently I had a conversation with a few of my friends about the dynamics of dating up/dating down and here are the findings:

Definitions according to me (the ultimate word in dating, not really):
Dating Up: Dating someone who is physically more attractive than you are.
Dating Down: Dating someone who is physically less attractive than you are.

I have a history of dating down and there are definitely reasons why. Dating down lets you feel better about yourself. I think that everyone wants to feel as if he/she is a catch and the other person is lucky to be with them. This isn't right, oftentimes is a little sad, but everyone does it. I never wanted to be in a couple where someone saw the two of us and thought "why is HE with HER?" This is probably based in insecurity but it is actually a fact of life for many women.

Speaking to some of my straight male friends, I deduced (how very Sherlock Holmes of me) that it's commonly known that men are more superficial than women. Women will frequently look past a man's looks because he's brilliant, funny, driven, etc. Men, however, will put more weight on how a woman looks. Both contribute to the practice of women dating down.

To my knowledge, I can't think of a time when a man dated down...except for celebrities who marry/date a "normal" (I just think the the term is funny).

2010 is a new year for me and I think it's time to date up. Not really so much dating up but stop being afraid of good-looking men. I've finally started coming into my own and realizing that I deserve to be with someone who is complex (in a good way) and disgustingly hot. At the same time, this doesn't mean that I'll start judging men solely on physical appearances. Honestly I'm not sure what this means, maybe just that I won't feel like I don't deserve someone who's the total package and that, just means a lot of self-reflection and daily affirmations (can I get a shout out to Stewart Smally?)

What am I saying?! I don't even want to be seriously dating someone. I just want someone to stare at and occasionally talk to/at, lol.

Lesson learned: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?" - Ru Paul


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