Do Not Date This Man. Like, Ever

Here he is, the dreaded Ex.  I was out the other night at Stanton Social with the last date off of Match that I arranged prior to deactivating (more on that later and they have great lemon mojitos btw).  My date was a 6'3" brunette lawyer, quite the gentleman. I'm a sucker for a tall man in a nice suit and yes, I know I had sworn off lawyers. But it's like I have a lawyer magnet sewn into my underwear or something, they love me! I could say something about legal briefs, but that's just ridiculous ;)


Anyway, my date and I were talking about recent break ups, etc and it turns out that he just came off of something in the past few months as well.  He recommended that I create a list of stupid things my ex used to say.  I'm supposed to keep this list and reference it when he calls to get back together with me in 6 months (which everyone says will happen, I'm rather skeptical).  So ladies and gents, here it is:


Stupid Shit My Ex Used to Say:

• "On your way back from your run, can you pick up a 6-pack from the corner store?" (he said that from the couch and was in the same position when I got back 2 hours later sans beer)
• "I don't like it when you're too in shape"
• "I wish you were more spiritual"
• "You can sleep with other guys if you want. You just have to tell me about it"
• "Let's go look at rings" (this was followed by a trip to Tiffany or DeBeers to look at and TRY ON engagement rings, he's such a mind fucker)
• "I hooked up with that Brazilian girl" (after I found an email on his blackberry, yeah I know, no snooping whatever. He claimed for a year and a half that he never did anything with her. This still pisses me off)
• "I know people you don't even know that I know"
• "I know fashion" (no, you don't)
• "I'm the best boyfriend" (no, you're not/weren't)
• "I'm a renaissance man" (nope, wrong again)
• "How come you never ask me to go for a run together?" (I used to, the man hates running hence why this is considered stupid shit he said)
• "Are you calling me fat?" (I did not call him fat, I merely insinuated...)
• "I think it should be weeks not months, that you take Wrigley (our/my dog) up to New York with you" (this was said just to hurt me and was not part of the agreement.  He later pretended like he didn't say that and decided to keep her as a favor to me for a few months...dick.)
• "I'm so good with gay men" (no comment)

I'll add more to the list as I think of things.  The problem with writing this months after the breakup is that you tend to forget the stupid shit that he said/did.  However, this is the first time I've actually sat down and thought about the relationship and the ex.  It forces you to think about the things in an organized way.  Now I can lock it away until he tries to get back together.

Lesson Learned: Guys who say dick things are usually dicks.

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I Like to Wear My Ovaries on the Outside

Sundays = brunch days.  Last Sunday, I met up with my married friends (I only have one set, so it's easy to identify them as such) at Craftbar for brunch.  I'm a total Tom Colicchio fan so it was definitely a treat.  We decided to meet at the restaurant at 10:30AM (they have a kid so apparently you eat earlier).  I was the first to arrive and the restaurant was fairly empty.  In fact, we were one of three occupied tables there.


I arrived before my friends did and decided to do a visual sweep of the place.  Saw a very good-looking guy about 3 tables away who was with two male friends.  A couple of back and forth glances between us and I had made up my mind.  Forgetting my business cards at home, I asked our waitress for one of theirs.  I scribbled my name, cell number and "Let's grab a drink sometime" on the back of the card and asked their waiter to take it to the man I had my eye on.  Now I typically do not make a habit out of this and it was actually the first time I've ever done something like that. But seriously, what do I have to lose?


Apparently the timing was good because shortly after the waiter gave attractive man my card (side note, loved that he was in such good shape that you could see the muscles shift under his knit shirt), he was paying the check and headed out the door.  We exchanged smiles as he approached my table and introduced himself.  He thanked me for the card and said he'd "definitely be in touch".  I have to say, I liked the way his hand felt when he shook mine.


Fast forward a week later and he hasn't called.  He might have lost the card or he might have been kind in front of my friends, hard to say.  Either way, this was more of proving something to myself rather than feeling up on his abs (which wouldn't have been so bad either...)


Lesson Learned: If you're going to give out your number, write it on something he's not likely to lose, like the Yankees schedule or a $20 bill.

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End of the Match Experiment

I decided not to renew my Match.com membership this month.  The whole experience was a little overwhelming in truth and it was often times just a cluster fuck.  Over the period of 30 days, I received about 10 emails a day on average.  Some were clearly cut and paste jobs and others were quite thoughtful and charming...until you looked at the picture.  That's the sad part, you think you can be above the whole superficial aspect of attraction.  I'm here to say that you can't.  Even if I don't want to have babies, I'm still going to look for the best looking person so that I can have beautiful half-Asian babies.  You all saw what happened with Rob Schneider.  Lord help me if I'm going to make that same genetic mistake.

I went on my second to last Match date last Sunday night at a bar at the bottom of my apartment building.  He's British, dark hair, brown eyes, probably only about 5'10" (I let him squeak by due to the accent).  We talked for a couple of hours over some beers.  When we drained the rest of the first beer, I offered to buy the next round and to say that he was blown away is certainly an understatement.  Ladies, I know it's nice to have men pay for drinks, buy dinner, win a teddy bear, etc. But if we are making the argument that we're equals, then it's time to chip in for a beer or two.  I'm just putting it out there.

As the night winded down, I became a little intoxicated (mostly by the beer and a little by the accent).  I'm not sure I was entirely attracted to him.  Don't get me wrong, he was very handsome...but a little petite for my tastes (I'm sure any man would love to be described as "petite").  Throwing all caution to the wind, I kissed him good night.  And then...nothing.  I felt absolutely nothing.  I guess that means we're kicking that one to the curb.

I always feel a little badly when I meet someone for drinks (with the romantic subtext) and I feel nothing.  That's in part because I'm still hurting a little from the breakup.  I hate it when I say that I'm not completely over it yet and people assume that I mean I'm not over him.  That's completely inaccurate because I'm over him as in I-would-like-to-run-OVER-him-with-a-environmentally-unfriendly-car.  I guess it takes time when you try to recover from being completely humiliated with sightings of him around town with other women, while you're at home with the laundry and the dog.

Don't get me wrong, I have had genuine feelings for men post-AH (asshole).  Those feelings (and the men's identities) will remain private, however.  I'm sorry to disappoint but there are some things that should be considered sacred and that should be held close to the vest.

Lesson learned: Internet dating is EXACTLY like internet shopping for clothing.  Sometimes it looks better in the picture and if it doesn't fit, you can always return it.

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For Your Enjoyment

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Dating Up/Dating Down

Recently I had a conversation with a few of my friends about the dynamics of dating up/dating down and here are the findings:

Definitions according to me (the ultimate word in dating, not really):

Dating Up: Dating someone who is physically more attractive than you are.

Dating Down: Dating someone who is physically less attractive than you are.

I have a history of dating down and there are definitely reasons why. Dating down lets you feel better about yourself. I think that everyone wants to feel as if he/she is a catch and the other person is lucky to be with them. This isn't right, oftentimes is a little sad, but everyone does it. I never wanted to be in a couple where someone saw the two of us and thought "why is HE with HER?" This is probably based in insecurity but it is actually a fact of life for many women.

Speaking to some of my straight male friends, I deduced (how very Sherlock Holmes of me) that it's commonly known that men are more superficial than women. Women will frequently look past a man's looks because he's brilliant, funny, driven, etc. Men, however, will put more weight on how a woman looks. Both contribute to the practice of women dating down.

To my knowledge, I can't think of a time when a man dated down...except for celebrities who marry/date a "normal" (I just think the the term is funny).

2010 is a new year for me and I think it's time to date up. Not really so much dating up but stop being afraid of good-looking men. I've finally started coming into my own and realizing that I deserve to be with someone who is complex (in a good way) and disgustingly hot. At the same time, this doesn't mean that I'll start judging men solely on physical appearances. Honestly I'm not sure what this means, maybe just that I won't feel like I don't deserve someone who's the total package and that, just means a lot of self-reflection and daily affirmations (can I get a shout out to Stewart Smally?)

What am I saying?! I don't even want to be seriously dating someone. I just want someone to stare at and occasionally talk to/at, lol.

Lesson learned: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?" - Ru Paul

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