Would've Been Good to Know

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Last week one of my friends from high school, K, came to visit (I was at brunch with him and his wife when this happened). He was in town for work and we decided to meet up on Thursday night to catch up at Brass Monkey in the Meatpacking District.  I brought the NB (new beau) along to meet the pal and to get vetted of course.

NB and K got along great, which wasn't really a surprise to me. What stunned me was what transpired next:

K: Yeah, I really like NB. He seems like a really great guy, not at all like your ex who was kind of a douche.
Me: What? You thought he was a douche? How come you never told me? That would have been GREAT to know before I spent 4 years with him.
K: I couldn't tell you that. You can't ever tell someone you don't like their significant other until AFTER they break up.

I wasn't shocked that K thought my ex was a douche. Actually, many of my friends thought that and many of those same friends told me all-too-late that the ex and I had nothing in common. So that brings up the question, do you tell your friends the truth if they're making a bad dating decision?
As much as I would like to think that I would be completely honest with a friend, it's hard to tell them that their significant other sucks...especially if your friend really likes him/her. Seriously, what would you say if you went out to dinner with your friend and his new girlfriend and she is boring/unattractive/stupid/insert bad characteristic here. And at the end of the night, your friend turns to you with his big hopeful eyes and asks, "so what do you think?". Here are your options:

A. Stabbing my eyes out would be a more entertaining option than talking to her all night.
B. I'm stupider for having listened to her talk.
C. She's great! I'm so happy for you.
D. Yeah....hey! What's that over there?

So Option C might be flat out lying and therefore a little despicable. But what's going to happen when you tell the truth? Your friend is going to either think you're jealous (women do this a lot), think you're crazy or want to stop being your friend. What your friend WON'T do is actually listen to what you have to say.

On the other hand, what if you're wrong? Your friend and the succubus end up being soul mates and get married, then you just look like a giant asshole. I guess K was right, you can't really tell your friend that his/her significant other sucks, all you can do is be there when it doesn't work out.

Lesson Learned: There's nothing hotter than drinking too much after your friend tells you that your ex is a douche and then curling up around your NB's toilet and refusing to get up off the ground....not that I would know...


Mike August 12, 2010 at 12:08 AM  

Glad you got back to writing ;o) Interesting dilemma but I think guys have it a little easier in this situation because we can be meaner to each other and more Frank, in the early stages of the relationship. Guys have unwritten rules about such things. In the early stages of dating, guy will tell friends details about dates/sex/everything, during that period you can make comments that are more honest on what you think, "she's temporary right?" or "you're not exclusive with her right?" "she seems a little annoying, is it just her voice or everything about her?"

Then as time passes so does that opportunity, no one wants to hear about you having sex with your GF anymore and no one wants to hear your opinion about them either.

Speak early and often otherwise, shut up and be that friend, that says I knew that would end up like that, when you never said it.

molly YEH! August 13, 2010 at 7:51 PM  

girl, ain't that the truth. this happened to me just three days ago! the girl was really nice... but that's IT. i mean, when the nicest thing you can say about someone is that they're nice, in my opinion, that just means that person sorta sucks. so all i told him was that she was nice and let him think it was a compliment. that's not terrible is it?

227miles August 14, 2010 at 4:20 PM  

Hey Molly! Thanks for following the blog, I love yours! No, I don't think it's terrible that you said she was nice. People kind of know what that means when the only thing you can say about someone is that they're "nice", as if it's the only redeeming quality that person has.

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