They Always Come Back

For some reason, guys that I've gone on dates with in the past couple of months keep coming back. They just pop up randomly at weird times like a cracked out version of Whack-a-Mole. Case in point:

I met this guy D when I was out at Sweet and Vicious, which you might remember. We met, we hit off, I think he was tall, dark and handsome (it was a rough night). I gave him my number and he never called. Honestly I wasn't offended, I had spent the entire evening basically tell him that I thought all men were liars and there was no reason to ever get into a relationship with any of them (you can tell I was being exceptionally charming that night). Anyway, he was the only guy during that period who never called. To make myself feel better I thought that he had lost my number or maybe had to be deployed (he wasn't enlisted but it's funny the lies we'll tell ourselves).

Anyway, fast forward three months and I get this strange text. Here's the conversation that followed (all typos are intentional):

D: Hey sweety whats up. I havent heard from you. I thought you were going to call (this is a total lie because I never got his phone number)

Me: Hey...sorry super busy. What's up? (at this point I actually don't know who's texting me, but I had a funny feeling it was him)

D: Just thinking abiout what you were doing. i'm surprised you remember me

Me: Ha, funny you say that...I actually don't know who this is...

D: Lol you picked me up at sweet and viscous

Me: Which one? Jk, hey D. I actually didn't have your number

D: I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. Let's meet up

Me: So we can make out and then not talk for 3 months?

D: Absolutely...jk.am I not worth the wait. Actually it took me this long to recuperate.

Me: lame

D: No but seriously i thought you were going to call me. you said no attachments. I figured this was long enough not to give you the wrong idea. lets meet up.

(I don't respond)

Truth be told, I only responded because I was at dinner with my friend L and it was HIGHLY amusing. I'm clearly not interested in him anymore, but what is it with guys making the rotation and checking in to see whether or not I'm single or if I want to meet up? Are they really all that predictable and simple?

Another example, P, one of my first dates (he's Monday) off of match.com, emailed me about 2 months later with this gem of an email:

"Hey! What have you been up to? Are you still single?"

At least he's direct. I mean, I didn't find him that interesting 4 months ago. Maybe he thought that time would dull my initial impression of him? Not likely, but you have to give the guy some credit. I personally think that he just scrolls through his phone and randomly texts/emails girls and plays the odds. If any guys can shed some light on what the conversion rate is, I'd be extremely grateful.

Lesson Learned: "Let's meet up" generally means "let's get nekkid" unless otherwise dictated.

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Would've Been Good to Know

Last week one of my friends from high school, K, came to visit (I was at brunch with him and his wife when this happened). He was in town for work and we decided to meet up on Thursday night to catch up at Brass Monkey in the Meatpacking District.  I brought the NB (new beau) along to meet the pal and to get vetted of course.

NB and K got along great, which wasn't really a surprise to me. What stunned me was what transpired next:

K: Yeah, I really like NB. He seems like a really great guy, not at all like your ex who was kind of a douche.

Me: What? You thought he was a douche? How come you never told me? That would have been GREAT to know before I spent 4 years with him.

K: I couldn't tell you that. You can't ever tell someone you don't like their significant other until AFTER they break up.

I wasn't shocked that K thought my ex was a douche. Actually, many of my friends thought that and many of those same friends told me all-too-late that the ex and I had nothing in common. So that brings up the question, do you tell your friends the truth if they're making a bad dating decision?

As much as I would like to think that I would be completely honest with a friend, it's hard to tell them that their significant other sucks...especially if your friend really likes him/her. Seriously, what would you say if you went out to dinner with your friend and his new girlfriend and she is boring/unattractive/stupid/insert bad characteristic here. And at the end of the night, your friend turns to you with his big hopeful eyes and asks, "so what do you think?". Here are your options:

A. Stabbing my eyes out would be a more entertaining option than talking to her all night.

B. I'm stupider for having listened to her talk.

C. She's great! I'm so happy for you.

D. Yeah....hey! What's that over there?

So Option C might be flat out lying and therefore a little despicable. But what's going to happen when you tell the truth? Your friend is going to either think you're jealous (women do this a lot), think you're crazy or want to stop being your friend. What your friend WON'T do is actually listen to what you have to say.

On the other hand, what if you're wrong? Your friend and the succubus end up being soul mates and get married, then you just look like a giant asshole. I guess K was right, you can't really tell your friend that his/her significant other sucks, all you can do is be there when it doesn't work out.

Lesson Learned: There's nothing hotter than drinking too much after your friend tells you that your ex is a douche and then curling up around your NB's toilet and refusing to get up off the ground....not that I would know...

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