Cheating: A Confession (Part I)

Yes, I know I make this huge deal out of how my ex betrayed my trust.  Fact is, I'm a cheater too and I've had a history of it (consider it karma, I guess).  It's not something I'm proud of but it's definitely part of my past; it's also something I do not want to be part of my future.  


It all started sophomore year in college.  At the time, I was dating a guy I had met during orientation.  He was Chinese and from the midwest, the only Asian guy I ever dated (I'm Chinese too).  I think I was his first serious girlfriend and he ended up losing his virginity to me.  We dated for about a year and a half.  He was a couple years older, so he was getting ready to graduate.  What we were going to do post-graduation was a topic that had come up but not seriously discussed.  I think what had happened was that we said "I love you" too soon, well, at least I did.


He first said those three words to me in September of 2001, we had been dating for less than a month.  September 11th had just happened and since we were both in DC, I think it struck closer to home for him.  Not wanting to waste time and feeling like he wanted to take stock in the present, he told me he loved me.  It was the first time a boyfriend had said that to me and in a moment of panic, I said it back.  This set an awful precedent as I didn't know if I truly did love him.  Those words became as automatic for me to say as "hello" and "good bye".


Even with that rough start, we had a great relationship.  It was only toward the end of our relationship that I started seeing someone who lived on my floor (I ended up dating him for three and a half years).  I'm not sure why exactly I did it.  I think I wanted the relationship to end and just didn't have the heart to tell him.  Cheating is the coward's way out of a relationship and that's something that I've always believed...and have tried to change.


My next boyfriend in college, the one I had cheated with, never said "I love you" in the 3 and a half years we were together.  I guess I went from one extreme to the other.  He also never told anyone we were in a relationship. Years later, I was talking to a mutual friend at a happy hour and he said, "oh, I just thought it was casual".  Looking back, maybe it should have been. I had cheated on him on multiple occasions, usually with friends. They provided me with the (false) sense of need that I had been craving from him.  There were numerous reasons why I didn't break up with him.  One was that he had family problems and I didn't feel like I could leave him to fend for himself. That was one relationship that I look back on with a lot of regret.


Lesson Learned: If the relationship isn't working and you're not willing to work on it, just walk away. You'll be doing both of you a favor.