They Always Come Back

For some reason, guys that I've gone on dates with in the past couple of months keep coming back. They just pop up randomly at weird times like a cracked out version of Whack-a-Mole. Case in point:

I met this guy D when I was out at Sweet and Vicious, which you might remember. We met, we hit off, I think he was tall, dark and handsome (it was a rough night). I gave him my number and he never called. Honestly I wasn't offended, I had spent the entire evening basically tell him that I thought all men were liars and there was no reason to ever get into a relationship with any of them (you can tell I was being exceptionally charming that night). Anyway, he was the only guy during that period who never called. To make myself feel better I thought that he had lost my number or maybe had to be deployed (he wasn't enlisted but it's funny the lies we'll tell ourselves).

Anyway, fast forward three months and I get this strange text. Here's the conversation that followed (all typos are intentional):

D: Hey sweety whats up. I havent heard from you. I thought you were going to call (this is a total lie because I never got his phone number)

Me: Hey...sorry super busy. What's up? (at this point I actually don't know who's texting me, but I had a funny feeling it was him)

D: Just thinking abiout what you were doing. i'm surprised you remember me

Me: Ha, funny you say that...I actually don't know who this is...

D: Lol you picked me up at sweet and viscous

Me: Which one? Jk, hey D. I actually didn't have your number

D: I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. Let's meet up

Me: So we can make out and then not talk for 3 months?

D: Absolutely...jk.am I not worth the wait. Actually it took me this long to recuperate.

Me: lame

D: No but seriously i thought you were going to call me. you said no attachments. I figured this was long enough not to give you the wrong idea. lets meet up.

(I don't respond)

Truth be told, I only responded because I was at dinner with my friend L and it was HIGHLY amusing. I'm clearly not interested in him anymore, but what is it with guys making the rotation and checking in to see whether or not I'm single or if I want to meet up? Are they really all that predictable and simple?

Another example, P, one of my first dates (he's Monday) off of match.com, emailed me about 2 months later with this gem of an email:

"Hey! What have you been up to? Are you still single?"

At least he's direct. I mean, I didn't find him that interesting 4 months ago. Maybe he thought that time would dull my initial impression of him? Not likely, but you have to give the guy some credit. I personally think that he just scrolls through his phone and randomly texts/emails girls and plays the odds. If any guys can shed some light on what the conversion rate is, I'd be extremely grateful.

Lesson Learned: "Let's meet up" generally means "let's get nekkid" unless otherwise dictated.

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Would've Been Good to Know

Last week one of my friends from high school, K, came to visit (I was at brunch with him and his wife when this happened). He was in town for work and we decided to meet up on Thursday night to catch up at Brass Monkey in the Meatpacking District.  I brought the NB (new beau) along to meet the pal and to get vetted of course.

NB and K got along great, which wasn't really a surprise to me. What stunned me was what transpired next:

K: Yeah, I really like NB. He seems like a really great guy, not at all like your ex who was kind of a douche.

Me: What? You thought he was a douche? How come you never told me? That would have been GREAT to know before I spent 4 years with him.

K: I couldn't tell you that. You can't ever tell someone you don't like their significant other until AFTER they break up.

I wasn't shocked that K thought my ex was a douche. Actually, many of my friends thought that and many of those same friends told me all-too-late that the ex and I had nothing in common. So that brings up the question, do you tell your friends the truth if they're making a bad dating decision?

As much as I would like to think that I would be completely honest with a friend, it's hard to tell them that their significant other sucks...especially if your friend really likes him/her. Seriously, what would you say if you went out to dinner with your friend and his new girlfriend and she is boring/unattractive/stupid/insert bad characteristic here. And at the end of the night, your friend turns to you with his big hopeful eyes and asks, "so what do you think?". Here are your options:

A. Stabbing my eyes out would be a more entertaining option than talking to her all night.

B. I'm stupider for having listened to her talk.

C. She's great! I'm so happy for you.

D. Yeah....hey! What's that over there?

So Option C might be flat out lying and therefore a little despicable. But what's going to happen when you tell the truth? Your friend is going to either think you're jealous (women do this a lot), think you're crazy or want to stop being your friend. What your friend WON'T do is actually listen to what you have to say.

On the other hand, what if you're wrong? Your friend and the succubus end up being soul mates and get married, then you just look like a giant asshole. I guess K was right, you can't really tell your friend that his/her significant other sucks, all you can do is be there when it doesn't work out.

Lesson Learned: There's nothing hotter than drinking too much after your friend tells you that your ex is a douche and then curling up around your NB's toilet and refusing to get up off the ground....not that I would know...

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Just a Little Bit

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Typecasting

I used to be adamant about having a "type". More specifically over 6'2", dark hair, blue eyes, 32-37. Essentially, a taller, manlier version of Jake Gyllenhaal.  Deep down, I knew that it was silly, that I was limiting myself to the men out there. Plenty of amazing, smart, funny, handsome guys exist outside of the boundaries I had set myself. The bottom line was, I really wasn't looking very hard for someone to connect with. I would discount guys immediately if they didn't fit my "type". Looking back, it was all pretty ridiculous.

Now I'm not saying that there aren't specific traits that I find more attractive than others. Brunettes are generally more appealing to me than blonds. Hard to say where that proclivity came from, but it's there. However, I shouldn't write off someone who's blond just because of hair color, it's shallow and nonsensical and I'm probably missing out on someone who I'd otherwise really enjoy.

So why do we set these boundaries for ourselves? Probably to serve as a defense mechanism. This way, after you've whittled down potential suitors to those fitting your "type", if it doesn't work out or if you can't find someone, it's not as if you haven't tried, right? Wrong. It's often easier to play the victim and bemoan the fact that there are "no good men out there" than it is to look into yourself and search for why something isn't working. We love to be victims of circumstance and wipe our hands clean of all responsibility.

Even Sex and the City (a show that's happened to ruin an entire generation of women, more on a later post) acknowledged that Charlotte when was married to a perfect-on-paper Dr, she was miserable. Only when she got a divorce and started seeing Harry (a sweaty, short, bald divorce attorney) did she find true happiness. I'm not telling you to settle, at all. I'm just saying that if we find someone attractive, but he/she doesn't quite fit our "type", we should still try it out. What's the worst that can happen? So you have a bad date, dating experience, then you at least gave it a shot and looked outside the box.

I entirely practice what I preach. After dating several guys who fit my type to a "t" and having no luck (looked great on the outside, absolutely nothing inside), I recently started dating someone who dips a toe outside of aforementioned type. So he isn't 6'2", is under my age range, so what? He's still incredibly handsome with blue-gray eyes that I want to stupidly drown in, great style, insanely smart, etc. At the end of the day, he's someone who makes me extremely happy. He's the most selfless person that I've ever met and he's helping me trust men again.

Lesson Learned: Looks fade, dumb is forever.

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Photos: Fourth of July

Best Birthday weekend ever.

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A Piece of WASP Heaven

Last month I went to Martha's Vineyard for the first time ever. My gay husband's cousin has a place there so we decided to meet up for a long weekend. To say that the vacation was much needed was a definite understatement. I had been working crazy hours and just had a lot of balls in the air (keep your head out of the gutter).

I took Friday off of work and took a flight out of La Guardia on Thursday night. Because I had arrived at the airport early, I decided to get a quick pedicure at XpresSpa at the terminal. FYI, those people rob you blind! And the pedicure wasn't even that great, maybe that should have been my first hint that the night was not going to bode well for me.

The plane had been delayed and so I was sitting on a runway for about 3 hours with a couple sitting slightly to the left of me. While I am totally a proponent of love, I HATE PDA. I don't want to watch you slobber all over each other and wonder where your hands are. In order to purge those thoughts, I turned up my iPod and tried to sleep.

Fast-forward 3 hours and we're finally touching down, we also happened to be the very last people to get to MV that night. GH (gay husband) and his cousin were awaiting at the airport with Mexican food in tow! God, I love him.

The rest of the weekend was spent going on long runs by the beach, tanning (GH has an entire system down pat) and eating lobster rolls. Most of the weekend went by in a blur, but I do remember seeing lots of madras, "Nantucket red" and critter embroidered everything.

I grew up in a single parent household (pre-stepdad), my mom was everything to me and the two of us tried to make it work. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment and when I was old enough to want my own space (I might have been 8) I decided to set up shop underneath our dining room table.  We didn't have a vacation home and rarely went on vacations. The whole world of using "summer" as a verb was completely foreign to me. So I guess now that I'm traveling a ton (both for work and play), I feel like I have a greater appreciation for it. I feel very lucky that I get to see different parts of the world and have great friends to share it all with.

Lesson Learned: If you have on lobster-embroidered shorts, don't feel the need to pair it with an anchor-embroidered belt, please.

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What to Get the Man Who has Everything

My gay husband's birthday is coming up and I had no idea what to get for him. What do you get the man who has everything (including a fabulous YSL grey suede croc-embossed tribute bag)? One of my friends recommended Biased Cut, who provides custom-tailored shirts at a mere $85 (starting price)! Check out the nifty video on which measurements to send in and how to get measured (Asian girl not included).

P.S. I'm getting one for myself ;)

Ready, set, shop!

Follow Biased Cut on Twitter.

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Want: Christofle Space Invaders Necklace

I went to a cocktail party last night and my friend L was wearing it. Absolutely must have now. $130 at Christofle. Not available in the e-shop yet...

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One or the Other?

One of my friends is convinced that there are essentially two types of people in NYC (maybe the world). There are the people who are happy with what they have and then there are the "bigger and better" people.  It's very easy to either spot a type or to identify yourself as one.  Here's an example:

Scenario:

You're at Chop't and you need to order some lunch. You can either get something you haven't tried before or you can order the same thing that you ALWAYS order. What do you do?

I will always order either the Cobb Sandwich or the Steakhouse Sandwich.  Why? Because I know exactly what each one tastes like and I like the way they taste.  I could get something new, but what if I don't like it? Then I'll just be mad that I didn't stick with what I usually order in the first place.  I'm so clearly the person who's happy with what she has...or am I?  You know that you should branch out and maybe try something new, but why mess with a good thing?

On the other hand, I have friends who will always order something they haven't had before, just to say that they've tried it.  They have almost a compulsive need/drive to try something new.

Now does this translate into dating? It's entirely possible.

I've bumped into the "bigger and better" people. You know the ones, they start dating someone great, but they always have an eye out for someone better: someone better on paper, taller, smarter, better looking, etc. In the end, no one's happy because you can't entirely enjoy what you have if you're convinced that someone "better" is out there. 

On the other hand, is it ok to play it so safe all the time? To expand on the Chopt example, is it better for me to try EVERYTHING on the menu is that when I settle back with the Steakhouse sandwich, I know that it's truly the one I like? I think that it all depends on how well you know yourself and how confident you are in what you like.

Lesson Learned: I refuse to have the "Grilled Asian".

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You Got the Love

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Feeling a Bit Blue

I've gotten a lot of shit for not blogging.  I know my absence was a little jarring, having gone from posting once a day to absolutely nothing. The truth is, I have been traveling a lot; some for work and some for fun. Just within the last two weeks I've been through: Annapolis, Martha's Vineyard, Boston, New Haven, DC, Salt Lake City, San Jose and LA. There were times when I could have blogged, but didn't.

I had been kind of in a slump. None of my dates were panning out to be more than a simple distraction (with my not owning a tv and all) and mostly they all disappointed me in one way or another. I had decided to swear off dating for at least a week...or two. This free time drove me to go to the gym twice a day, where even the eye candy wasn't the same anymore (half-Asian Anderson Cooper had gone missing). I wish I could say that I saw my friends more or tried to find a new hobby, but honestly, I didn't do any of those things. I withdrew within myself and just needed to take a breather.

I had discovered that I was dating for the sake of dating and not because it was fun or because I wanted to meet people. I'm single, therefore I should date, right? Things just aren't fun when they start feeling purely obligatory.

Fear not, I'm back. Maybe not dating as much or as heavily, but definitely still enjoying New York and investigating new restaurants, shops and neighborhoods. After all, it's summertime in NYC, arguably the best time to be here. Bummed that you won't be hearing disaster dating stories? Don't worry, I have quite that backlog that I haven't even shared with you yet.

Stay tuned.

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Truisms

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
--Henri B. Stendhal 

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Truisms

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."
--Oscar Wilde

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A Series of Unfortunate Events

A couple of things have happened in the past week or so that makes me think I need to go on a dating hiatus.


Exhibit 1: The lawyer (see here and here) and I went out on Tuesday and had beer and wings. I happened to be wearing an Herve Ledger dress because I'm low-maintenance like that (and because I was coming from somewhere else...more on that later, maybe). While we were gnawing on chicken bones like well-coiffed Neanderthals, he drops a bomb on me. Remember when I saw him with his on-again, off-again, it's complicated girlfriend? Well, it turns out she recognized me that night. How? Because she facebook stalked me.


The bitch in me had texted him "I'm cuter", just out of spite and because it was true ;) Apparently he decided to show her the text to "bring her down a notch". Seriously? I try to stay away from drama and that was just a little too much drama for me...from all sides. The final straw was when I checked my LinkedIn profile and she had checked me out there too! Who knows what that crazy bitch will do. It's likely that she checks out my blog too. In that case, she's a total crazy bitch (yes, I'm asking for it).


Exhibit 2: I had been seeing someone more on a regular basis than the others. What can I say about him? He's insanely attractive, cheekbones that could cut glass. His body is smokin' and our first date was amazing. We sat and talked for 4 and a half hours over coffee. Best part? We're ridiculous in bed together. I didn't necessarily blog about it because I had hoped it would turn into something...eventually.


So imagine my surprise when I receive an email saying how he feel like he's an asshole around me, that he's usually not that closed off. So his logic dictated that we should stop sleeping together and just "hang out and know each other". What the hell does that mean? Is it the brush off? Does he want to be, gasp, friends? I'll post something about the "f" word later, but basically, no one actually wants to be friends. After spiraling into the whole "what does he mean by this" phase where you talk to all your friends and get their different takes (which I HATE), I've just decided to check out. I don't want to be friends, we're not friends, we were NEVER friends and I told him as much. Needless to say, I'm still mad...and hurt.


My dad is a total asshole and we don't talk, but he did say one thing that always stuck with me: if you put your arm out in front of you and spin in a 360 degree circle, everything inside that circle you can control. Everything outside remains outside of your control. So, taking his advice, I'm just going to say I can't control how Hotness feels or acts. I'm just going to be and move on.


Exhibit 3: Had a couple of dates that went well by dating standards, good conversation, good food, interesting guy. But the bottom line was not there was no tingly feeling. You know, where you grin like an idiot and your breath gets slightly taken away when you kiss. Came away from them feeling "meh" and felt like it was at least something to do because I don't have a tv (sidebar: not having a tv is totally awesome. You should try it.)


I'm still open to going on dates and meeting up with men I'm interested in. I just think that I'm not going to be so proactive and aggressive for a while, like, a week...maybe. What do you guys think? Keep actively dating until I get a good one or just kind of chill out for a bit?

Lesson Learned: Some bitches be triflin'

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Gifts for the Social Media Geek

My birthday's in July.  Hint, hint.

Nerd Merit Badges

I love checking in on foursquare all day, every day.  Just like you guys, I'm obsessed with unlocking new badges.  Does this make me a geek? Abso-fucking-lutely.  Unfortunately I can't wear my geek badge with pride, until now.  Nerd merit badges are 1.5" with velcro backing so you can stick them pretty much anywhere.  They only have a limited number of foursquare badges currently but sign up for their email list and they'll email you when a new one comes out.  $5.99/badge. Get them at www.nerdmeritbadges.com

Craftsquatch Pillows

One of my friends, who happens to be a social media guru, just had a birthday recently.  What do you get the man who has everything? A facebook pillow of course! Justin of Craftsquatch hand makes these bad boys. I think it's a great way to spice up an otherwise boring analog couch.  Since they're made individually, it takes from 4-7 weeks between the time that you order them and when you get them. Totally worth the wait and not for procrastinators ;) $16.99-$27.99/pillow Get them at http://www.etsy.com/shop/Craftsquatch

Fail Whale Flair

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Make lemonade. What do you do when the fail whale shows up because twitter is down AGAIN!?! Celebrate it by wearing it on your chest! The women's shirt comes in 12 different colors ranging from $22.75-$32.35 depending on color.  You can get the fail whale on pretty much anything, mugs, mouse pads (ugh, who even uses those?), baby onesies. Check them out at http://www.zazzle.com/failwhale

YouTwittFace Thong

Yeah, I know. It's hard for me to decide which social networking website I love more.  Much like dating in New York, now you don't have to settle for just one.  I don't know why but I cracked up when I saw this thong.  Now just stick some foursquare buttons on it and you'll be ready to meet the nerd of your dreams.  Would that be Mark Zuckerberg? His single-mindedness of world domination is scary...and sexy at the same time.  I also love that you'd be insulting whoever ends up in that region.  The thong is $12 but you can get the logo on a variety of thing. Check the whole collection out here.

TwittaBling

Do you love Twitter? Like, a lot? Thank my friend V for this one. Get whatever twitter handle/trending topic you want on a necklace, bracelet, ring or earrings. What would I get? Probably #JustinBieber. Prices start at $49.95 for the necklaces and you can get them here.

Foursquare Badge Mania!

More actual foursquare badges? I know, I shit you not. 1" foursquare badges with pins on the back rather than velcro and at $18 for 20 of them? I don't even know where to put them! Maybe these can be the new currency and we can get rid of money? http://www.etsy.com/shop/memomade

"I love you more than _____" Card

The perfect social media gift has to come with the perfect social media card, right? I think this card is pretty self explanatory.  And honestly, if I love you more than I love facebook then that means I REALLY love you. $12.50/card http://www.etsy.com/shop/Storeyshop

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Building a Roster

Build a roster, fill a rotation, creating a starting team. Call it what you will, but when you're casually dating, you need to be filling a rotation of go-to guys. Since I'm not looking for the perfect man right now (not sure that he exists), I need to be finding a rotation of guys that when put together, make the perfect man.


Call it my little Frankenstein experiment if you want, but it's essential for me to have a couple of pokers in the fire at once (didn't mean for that to sound dirty, but it kind of does). One man can fill the looks quota, while another can fill the emotional quota. One guy can be manly and build things whereas another can be the artist. I say this is essential because it's a way for me to keep from getting attached to one person and getting a little too invested in how one person is feeling. Also, if one guy is busy (people in New York City just are, all the time), then someone else is always available.


I'm a serial monogamist, I just am. It's something about me that I want to change for a undetermined period of time. I need and want to be single and unattached, but there's that pull for me to nurture and to connect with just one person.


The need to be single stems from the fact that I want to find out what I like and find out what I ultimately want. I've felt like Julia Robert's character from Runaway Bride. There's a scene where Richard Gere asks her how she likes her eggs and she always gives a different answer depending on what her beau at the time preferred. Ultimately she quits everyone and finds out what kind of eggs SHE likes. I want time to find out what kind of eggs I like.


The system of building a roster doesn't always work, it's definitely not fool proof because inevitably you either start having feelings for someone or you sabotage any chance of having something real because you've built this wall around you.


For those of you who are keeping track, building a roster:


Pros

• Someone is always available
• Together, they make the perfect man
• Compartmentalize your interests/feelings
• Don't get too attached to one person

Cons

• You have to keep track of what stories/jokes you've told to whom
• You get names confused and have to program them into your phone by characteristics: Tall Tom, Buff Tod, etc.
• Don't get too attached to one person

I started building a roster a couple of months back, but I've pretty much wiped the slate clean to start over. There are times I just think about putting dating on hold because at the end of it all, Mr. Right(Now) just does it for me. He fulfills me on an emotional level and a physical level (even though he isn't remotely nearby). Ugh, who knows? I'm tired just thinking about it, so I think I'll stop.

Lesson Learned: I like Eggs Benedict, preferably with salmon.

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On a Scale of Pauly Shore to 10

Saw this really hot guy on the way to brunch this morning. Then saw him wearing these "shoes". He went from a 10 to Pauly Shore in 2 seconds flat. Men, let that be a lesson. P.S. I don't care how comfortable they are.

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DC Edition

As many of you know, I spent last weekend in DC.  My pseudo little brother was graduating from the Corcoran School of the Arts and I had promised him that I would go to the Senior Exhibit that displayed his thesis project.  Words cannot describe how proud of him I am.  He's a super talented graphic designer and he'll be one to watch!


I haven't been back to DC since I've moved to New York in March.  As the Bolt Bus was pulling into DC, I started experiencing a little anxiety. It's hard to say what caused it or what triggered it.  I don't think I was quite ready to confront the memories that that city holds.


Day 1, Saturday
Pretty low-key day, spent some time with my friend V, who's like the big sister I never had. Went to dinner at Cafe Saint Ex on U St and headed to Policy afterwards.  I'm not sure if it was an off night for DC or what but the selection of guys was sub-par at best.  After a while, even the unattractive guys started looking like Jake Gyllenhaal.  It's like when you've been in IKEA too long and suddenly a lamp that costs $16 seems like a giant rip-off.  Same logic.

Policy, 1904 U St., NW, Washington, DC (202) 387-7654

I've had dinner at Policy before and it's more of a small plate style of food.  The lamb is excellent as is the duck salad.  I had been trying out vegetarianism at the time and needless to say, I failed. Miserably.  Made it an early night and headed out.  

The thing about DC is (and please feel free to disagree) that the women are vastly more attractive than the men there.  That being said, guys who normally wouldn't pull higher than women who are a 5, manage to pull 9s in DC.  They then get this inflated ego because they're pulling women that they shouldn't be able to or could in other cities.  The attractive men in DC are either gay and dating another even more attractive man or are married with kids.  Single, good-looking men in DC simply don't last very long on the dating scene.  Again, glad I got out.

Day 2, Sunday

It was Mother's Day and I had to spend time with the pup, Wrigley.  V and I picked her up from the dog sitter's house (the ex is out-of-town, thank God) and we headed off to brunch at Alero with another friend, who I actually met on Twitter.  The power of social media for being actually social? I know, amazing ;)

The afternoon was spent at my friend L's place.  He and his partner took me in after the break up and I ended up staying at their house for about a month and a half. It's funny, L bought his townhouse last year and we always joked that the front guest room was my room. Lo and behold, it turns out we were psychic. My month and a half with L was amazing. He and his partner love each other so much, that it was very therapeutic for me to be around them. In a time when I was cynical and hurt, being surrounded by people who love each other was extremely important.  And of course, I'm overjoyed that my friend has found someone to share his life with.


Honestly, I was itching to leave DC by the time Sunday night rolled around. There just isn't anything in that city for me.


Lesson Learned: If you don't see any good-looking guys, just keep drinking until you see Bradley Cooper.

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Truisms

"We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."
-Harrison Ford

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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I was going through my photo albums on iPhoto today (yeah, total Mac user here) to try to find a profile pic to post on my blog. As I was scrolling through the pictures to find one where I didn't look ridiculous, I couldn't help but look at all the vacation pictures I took with the ex. Four years is a long time to be with anyone and we went on a lot of vacations: St. Martin, Beijing, Cape Cod, Vermont, Chicago, Miami, Key West, etc. What do I do with all those pictures? Delete them all? Save some (especially the ones I look skinny in) and ditch the others?

My conundrum reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a couple (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) who break up and decide to get their minds erased so that they don't have to remember that they were ever in a relationship together.  Partway through the mind erasing process, Jim Carrey's character, decides that there are some memories worth saving and tries to hold on to the good ones. Full synopsis here.

So, what do I do? I guess the first step is to decide the purpose of holding onto the photos. I will definitely want to remember the vacations themselves, I mean we were in Beijing for the Olympics and that was amazing. A once in a lifetime opportunity, really. I could delete all the pictures he was in and keep the ones I was in, but it's like denying he ever existed. Or I could just photoshop him out, but I don't want to see bits and pieces of him in my photos (you know, an arm here, an ear there). I always thought it'd be cool to show my kids (none yet) what their mother was like, what kind of people I dated pre-dad. Although on second thought, that might freak them out and I'll have to shell out a lot of money on therapy. I'll rethink that one.

I don't want to pretend like we were never in a relationship because what we went through made me the person I am today. That person happens to be confident, assertive and generous, among other things. And to be honest, we both grew in the relationship, albeit apart. I'm less crazy than I used to be (we all have a little crazy inside us) and he...well...I don't know what he is now. 

Verdict: Not quite ready to ditch all the photos just yet, but will probably upload the ones of him and us to a thumb drive. I can always revisit this down the road

Lesson Learned: Out of sight doesn't always mean out of mind.

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Sweet and Vicious

There was a weekend earlier this month that turned out to be more of a shit show than weekends usually are for me.  I started Friday night with a movie at the Tribeca Film Fest, William Vincent. As I step outside to make a phone call, a cab pulls up and out hops lawyer and his "on again, off again, it's complicated" girlfriend (I didn't know about her until after the encounter and his subsequent explanation).

Seriously?  I had texted him a couple minutes earlier to see if he was there, I had noticed that he said he was going to be there that night on facebook.  He breezes past me with nothing more than a glance and a pat on the shoulder and I'm just standing there dumbfounded.  I receive a text from him a couple seconds later that read "haha, I'm sorry" and "I'll explain later".  On the one hand, I'm not sure he owed me an explanation.  I mean, at the time, I just thought he was on another date.  That's the thing about NYC and casual dating, you can see multiple people at a time.  Hell, I was doing it and it's not like we had more than one date.  I was absolutely not beholden to him nor him to me.

He emailed me the following Monday and it turns out that it is truly complicated.  I appreciated the explanation but as I told him, the relationship drama was entirely his, I just didn't want to be dragged into it.  And the bottom line was that I don't want to be lied to.  A lie of omission is still a lie (take note, people).  That and I didn't want to be fed lines. He completely understood after we hashed everything out.  Hard to say what's going to happen next.

On with the night.  My co-worker was celebrating his 23rd birthday at Sweet and Vicious down in Soho.  Yeah, I felt old.  Like, really old.  I hoofed it down to the bar and got settled in among the 23-year-olds.  I know it wasn't that long ago that I was that age, but since I shifted my dating age range to 32-37, they felt and looked like babies.  There is, however, nothing cuter than a 23-year-old trying to throw some game down on you.

Sweet and Vicious, 5 Spring St, NYC, NY (212) 334-7915

The bar was incredibly packed and I spent a good 5 minutes trying to flag a bartender down.  This slightly chubby Asian guy next to me noticed and helped me get my drink ordered.  I told him I was opening a tab and was about to give the bar my credit card when he said "don't worry about it, just remember to come back and say hi".  It was really sweet of him and I don't usually accept drinks from guys (I feel like I owe him something or he might roofie me).  Either way, it was a gentlemanly way of offering a girl a drink.  Aside from that exchange, the night was rather uneventful. Next time I expect to be paid if I'm going to be baby sitting.

Lesson Learned: Leave the drama for your mama.

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Facebook as a Wingman

I was talking to my friend the other night about the different uses of facebook.  I use it to catch up with friends and to reconnect with people I've lost touch with. Apparently he'll use it to scope out girls who are friends of friends. By "scope out" I mean he goes through their profile to see what their interests are and who the mutual friends are.  That way, if there's a party coming up, he can approach them and casually drop things into the conversation that he learned about them through facebook.


I can't decide if that's brilliant or a little creepy.  I'm all for things happening organically, but maybe this is better and easier to make a connection if you already know what they like.  However, it's one thing to choose things to discuss that you have in common.  It's another if you're pretending you like Justin Bieber because she started his facebook fan page.


You figure the idea is really the same as Match.com or JDate.  You sift out the things you find interesting about that person and decide whether or not you're going to talk to them.  Do you think that kills the romance?  Isn't the fun of starting something new and getting to know someone the fact that you're always in the discovery process?  I'm kind of undecided at this point because I do think we live in the age of efficiency.


Then again, I think maybe people tend to be more honest on their facebook page because most of their "friends" are actually people who know them in real life.  On Match and other dating websites, you're looking to put your best foot forward and sometimes people write profiles for the person he wants to be rather than the person he actually is.


Lesson Learned: If you're at a loss as to what to talk about with a girl, just reference Twilight, Glee, or Sex and the City and you're in.  Bieber forever.

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Anatomy of a Social Media Relationship

They don't call it "social" media for nothing. So you see a guy you think is worth following. Sure, he's kind of sexy in his avatar picture but you're not actually trying to pick him up.   So what's the natural progression of social media mediums for you to take it to the next step? Check out my nifty flow chart, may or may not be based on actual experiences ;)

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Truisms

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition." 

--Alan Alda

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Cheating: A Confession (Part I)

Yes, I know I make this huge deal out of how my ex betrayed my trust.  Fact is, I'm a cheater too and I've had a history of it (consider it karma, I guess).  It's not something I'm proud of but it's definitely part of my past; it's also something I do not want to be part of my future.  


It all started sophomore year in college.  At the time, I was dating a guy I had met during orientation.  He was Chinese and from the midwest, the only Asian guy I ever dated (I'm Chinese too).  I think I was his first serious girlfriend and he ended up losing his virginity to me.  We dated for about a year and a half.  He was a couple years older, so he was getting ready to graduate.  What we were going to do post-graduation was a topic that had come up but not seriously discussed.  I think what had happened was that we said "I love you" too soon, well, at least I did.


He first said those three words to me in September of 2001, we had been dating for less than a month.  September 11th had just happened and since we were both in DC, I think it struck closer to home for him.  Not wanting to waste time and feeling like he wanted to take stock in the present, he told me he loved me.  It was the first time a boyfriend had said that to me and in a moment of panic, I said it back.  This set an awful precedent as I didn't know if I truly did love him.  Those words became as automatic for me to say as "hello" and "good bye".


Even with that rough start, we had a great relationship.  It was only toward the end of our relationship that I started seeing someone who lived on my floor (I ended up dating him for three and a half years).  I'm not sure why exactly I did it.  I think I wanted the relationship to end and just didn't have the heart to tell him.  Cheating is the coward's way out of a relationship and that's something that I've always believed...and have tried to change.


My next boyfriend in college, the one I had cheated with, never said "I love you" in the 3 and a half years we were together.  I guess I went from one extreme to the other.  He also never told anyone we were in a relationship. Years later, I was talking to a mutual friend at a happy hour and he said, "oh, I just thought it was casual".  Looking back, maybe it should have been. I had cheated on him on multiple occasions, usually with friends. They provided me with the (false) sense of need that I had been craving from him.  There were numerous reasons why I didn't break up with him.  One was that he had family problems and I didn't feel like I could leave him to fend for himself. That was one relationship that I look back on with a lot of regret.


Lesson Learned: If the relationship isn't working and you're not willing to work on it, just walk away. You'll be doing both of you a favor.

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Store I Love: Decorium-VA

Decorium, 116 King St, Alexandria, VA 22314 (703) 439-4662 http://www.decoriumhome.com

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Truisms

If you expose too much online, are you virtually naked? - Kenneth Cole

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Strike One!

 (The scene of the crime)

I completely struck out last night.  Completely.  In that "oh my god, let me crawl under a rock" sort of way.  I go to Equinox, hand's down the best gym in New York.  It's clean, spacious and most importantly, filled with amazing eye candy. Amazing.  I don't go to the gym so much because I'm neurotic (I'm a little neurotic), I go because I can just spend hours ogling good-looking men pumping some iron (totally cliche, I know).

The past couple of times, I've bumped into this guy who looks like Anderson Cooper's half-Asian brother.  He rocks the glasses while he works out and always dons a pair of Adidas track pants where the material drapes just right over his glutes.  We tend to exchange glances and always pass each other just a little too closely.  There's always a moment when I think he's going to talk to me, but then nothing.  He'll suddenly turn away or just disappear.

Well, I had had enough, I was tired of this sweaty game we were playing (I mean, I love most sweaty games but definitely not this one).  I decided that yesterday was going to be the day, the day I was going to suck it up and make the first move.

The gym is a tricky place to pick up people.  You're sweaty, probably smelly and you're flushed.  On the other hand, if you're perfectly coiffed and made up, you look like you're there to pick someone up.  I haven't quite mastered the gym pick-up yet and what follows is definitely an interesting case study in it.

Half-Asian Anderson Cooper had just finished his work up and headed the direction of the locker rooms.  I quickly hopped off the elliptical (I had been there for an hour anyway) and grabbed my things.  The men's locker room is upstairs and there's a small seating area at the bottom of those stairs.  I decided to stand near the seating area and return some emails on my blackberry.  

He came down the stairs, saw me and decided to take a seat in the seating area.  I pretended not to notice and started heading towards the door.  The staircase to the exit was right behind where he was sitting, so I saw him turn around to look for me.  I had reached the landing and decided, what the hell, if he wasn't going to do anything, I was.  So I marched back upstairs and introduced myself.  Here's a short transcript of the disaster:

Me: Hi, I see you here a lot. 

Half-Asian Anderson Cooper: You do?

Me: Um, yeah...anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself (in my head, I'm screaming "red alert, bail!"

Half-Asian Anderson Cooper: Hi, nice to meet you.

Me: Ok, great. Have a good night! (oh my god, I could have DIED)

I would have stayed but it just seemed like he had never seen or even thought about me before in my ENTIRE life.  I was mortified for a brief 5 minutes and then called my best girl friend and laughed about it.  Everyone needs a swift kick in the ass sometimes.  I'm sitting here laughing while I'm thinking about it.  We're not going to bat 100 all the time and sometimes I'm going to read signals wrong.  But I'd rather go on knowing that I gave it a shot, rather than sit around and wonder what might have been.

Lesson Learned: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And you should probably brush your hair before you try to talk to someone of the opposite sex.

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Can't Quite Form Coherent Thoughts Right Now...

God bless soccer players. Sigh.

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Must Love Dogs

This is a picture of Wrigley. I adopted her from the Washington Animal Rescue League in DC the summer of 2008.  Really awesome shelter, so please check out their website if you can.  The ex was with me when I first saw her.  She was easily the most pathetic thing at the shelter, she was shaking and dirty and just plain sad looking.  I wasn't planning on adopting a dog, the ex and I used to go every couple of months, just to take a look and get our doggie time fix.  He had a dog all his life and I had always wanted one.  I'm not sure why my family never got a dog, it seemed like I had every other kind of pet: horse, rabbit, bird, cat, fish (although you can make the argument that fish don't really count).

Anyway, back to Wrigley.  So the hardest part of breaking up is what to do with the dog.  Of course she's my dog, I'm the one who adopted her, but he loved her too and was good to her.  In fact, I think she's what kept us together for the last year or so.  It's like those couples who have a kid to try to salvage the relationship.  Breaking up is also like getting a divorce and trying to figure out what to do with the kid. I'm paying child support (dog walks) and he has in the past used her as leverage against me.

With the craziness of breaking up, moving out and then moving to New York, we decided it would be better for him to keep her until I got settled.  I have to say, I really really miss her.  Now it's to the point that I'm thinking about dating guys who have dogs just so I can take their dogs to the dog park.  There is something about a man who loves dogs or has one of his own.  It shows that he can be responsible for someone other than himself and that he has a lot of love to give.

Maybe now when I meet a guy, I should just ask him for a picture of his dog.

Lesson Learned: When dogs slobber on you, it's cute.  When guys slobber on you, it's not.

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Mr. Right (Now)

So why don't I write about the men I've met that I'm actually smittened with? Well, first of all, I think bliss is boring to read about.  The tragedies and ridiculous men are much more fun to read/write about.  However, I want to make sure that you all don't think I'm a man hater or that I haven't had ANY luck with men.


There is someone who I think about and talk to on a regular basis.  He's probably most things that I would want if I were emotionally available.  Unfortunately I'm not.  There's still this empty feeling within me and it's a reminder that I had invested so much in someone else for 4 years and that it just did not work out. There were many ways in that we (the ex and I) worked, but when someone cheats, it calls into question all the things we ever did.  He took me to St. Martin last year for my birthday and we had a wonderful time.  But now, I think about whether or not he had someone else at home who he was seeing. It puts quite the damper on what would have been a great memory.


Anyway, back to Mr. Right.  He's smart, funny, caring and of course, attractive. Exactly my type really.  We speak/chat almost every day and I know that I can call him for anything.  So does this make him my crutch? I've thought about this occasionally and I don't think it does.  He's a support system and has become one of my closest friends.  The physical chemistry is certainly there AND we could talk for days, but there's no way it could work right now.


I'm in a selfish frame of mind and need to remember/find out who I am separate from someone else. Did I mention that I'm a hollow shell of emotion? I'm not sure where exactly he's at mentally but I think it's fair to say that we're on the same page.  Maybe someday it'll work and maybe it won't.  The great part about being in this head space is not freaking out about what the future holds.  And to be honest, I wouldn't even know what to do with him if I had him...


Lesson Learned: Sometimes you have to live in the moment and not worry about what the future may hold.

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